Win the world or to reject it

‘The best thing that occurs to me is a kind of diary . . . I mean, it wouldn’t be letters or an ordinary diary. It could be divided into two or three parts. One dedicated to love, the other to anxiety, the third to, mon dieu!, here already would be the issue of making up your mind, of choosing: either to win the world or to reject it.’ This is from the diaries of Alejandra Pizarnik an Argentinian poet born 90 years ago today. She lived in Paris for a while and associated with avant-garde literary figures before returning to BA. Suffering from mental issues, she committed suicide in her mid-30s.

Alejandra Pizarnik was born on 29 April 1936 in Avellaneda, a port city in the province of Buenos Aires. The daughter of Jewish immigrants from Eastern Europe, she grew up in a Spanish-speaking household marked by cultural displacement and personal insecurity, later recalling difficulties with speech and self-image. Educated in Buenos Aires, she studied philosophy and literature at the University of Buenos Aires but did not complete a degree. During these early years she began publishing poems and moved in avant-garde literary circles, influenced by French symbolism and surrealism as well as by writers such as Arthur Rimbaud and Antonin Artaud.

In 1960 Pizarnik moved to Paris, where she lived until 1964, working for journals and publishers while deepening her literary connections. There she associated with figures including Julio Cortázar and Octavio Paz, the latter writing a prologue to one of her books. Her poetry matured rapidly in this period, marked by compression, intensity, and recurring themes of silence and absence. After returning to Buenos Aires, she continued to publish and gained recognition as a distinctive poetic voice in Latin American literature.

Pizarnik’s principal works include La tierra más ajena (1955), La última inocencia (1956), Las aventuras perdidas (1958), Árbol de Diana (1962), Los trabajos y las noches (1965), Extracción de la piedra de locura (1968), and El infierno musical (1971). Alongside poetry she wrote prose pieces and essays, though her reputation rests chiefly on her short, intense lyric output. Her life was marked by recurring psychological difficulties, periods of institutional treatment, and a persistent preoccupation with death and identity. She died on 25 September 1972 in Buenos Aires, aged only 36. Further information is available at Wikipedia, Encyclopaedia Britannica, The Poetry Foundation, and Princeton University.

Pizarnik kept diaries from her late adolescence, beginning in the mid-1950s. Written in notebooks, the diaries are not conventional narratives but fragmented, self-analytical texts in which she explores language, creativity, solitude, and despair. They document her reading, literary ambitions, and relationships, while also revealing the intensity of her inner life; many entries read as drafts or extensions of her poetry rather than private reflections. The Paris years are particularly rich, combining artistic aspiration with acute isolation, while later entries become increasingly spare and troubled.

The diaries were published posthumously in Spanish, edited by Ana Becciu, notably in Diarios (Lumen, 2000), later expanded in subsequent editions - see Penguin Random House. These volumes, running to well over a thousand pages, draw on manuscript notebooks now held in archival collections. There is no complete English translation; instead, selections have appeared in journals and anthologies, with occasional standalone excerpts translated for literary magazines and the like: Tumblr (the source of the extracts below), Music & Literature, Liverpool University Press, and Muses.

5 July 1955

‘Thinking about literary work.

The best thing that occurs to me is a kind of diary directed at (we suppose, Andrea). I mean, it wouldn’t be letters or an ordinary diary. It could be divided into two or three parts. One dedicated to love, the other to anxiety, the third to, mon dieu!, here already would be the issue of making up your mind, of choosing: either to win the world or to reject it.

No! I won’t be able to do it because of my heart with two faces. (Today I accept something, tomorrow reject it.) It would be a question of writing it all in one night. Impossible!

(Let’s continue making poems.)

I inherited from my ancestors the desire to flee. They say my blood is European. I feel that every drop originates from a distinct point. From this nation, that province, this island, that gulf, accident, archipelago, oasis. From every piece of land or sea they stole something and so formed me, condemning me to the eternal search for a place of origin. With my outstretched hands and my wounded bird babbling and bleeding. With my lips expressly drawn to utter complaints. With my forehead crumpled by doubts. With my eager face and messy hair. With my trailer without brakes.

With my instinctive hatred of prohibition. With my black breath got by endless crying. I inherited a hesitant step meant to keep me from ever being firmly nationalized anywhere. Everywhere and nowhere! Nowhere and everywhere!

(Today a fellow student in my French course told me that in Paris “there is a lot of degeneracy” because she’d been told that couples in love kiss on the street “in public!”.)

I think people like that make life even harder. And this without saying what those same people do when they’re not “in public”. And these people are “society”. The representatives of order, rectitude, morality. Morality! The morality they establish to their criteria and without any right to. And we are the exiled, the rejected, the spiritual syphilitics! As if our very faces emitted putrid stuff. As if we don’t deserve the innocent blue sky covering us, behind which sits God, fountainhead of imaginary narrow-mindedness and meanness.

God!, who if he exists is limited in his employment to the cover of the Civil and Penal code. I don’t care about proving something as vulgar as the existence of God, because I’m satisfied with feeling my own being. The Civil Code doesn’t matter except to the extent that it dirtied my soul when I made that pilgrimage for it during my first years. I want to erase their filthy stains! Leave my bird glossy! (Like a piece of propaganda for infinite beauty.)

One of the questions I can’t answer: “But. . . where have you come from you who are like this?”

(Right now I feel like the product of a cross between the Minotaur and an embittered Martian.)

Buenos Aires is like the sewing basket of a dressmaker who’s worked in the profession for thirty years. Every time she wants to find the golden thread she’s inevitably hurt by countless pins whose existence she didn’t notice.

To live like Jarry! Mme. De Beauvoir would talk to me here about my situation as a woman. To want to live like Jarry when it isn’t possible to spend a single hour in a café without two worms springing forth every minute to disturb the life this poor female is trying to develop!’

19 July 1955

‘What is it that matters in an action, its content or its form?

Alejandra: you have forty days of unspeakable anguish. Forty days of suffocating loneliness with no chance of confession. With no beloved face to complain to of the misfortune attached to your fate. Alejandra: that beloved face is only one and it has left. It’s as if they’d ripped everything from you. It’s as if they’d submerged you in the cold sum of the days so that you might be shocked into trying to forget its absence. Alejandra: you must fight terribly. You must fight yourself and this notebook. You must fight both, because your beloved’s eyes say if not all will be lost. Perhaps there will be something still to save! What? questions! Your soul, Alejandra, your soul!

Plans for forty days: 1) Begin the novel. 2) Finish Proust. 3) Read Heidegger. 4) Don’t drink. 5) No violent actions. 6) Study grammar and French.’